Saturday, 6 September 2014

When it started

I was eleven when it had all started. I guess it was triggered by the fact that I had started a new school. Finishing primary and going onto a secondary school wasn't something that I had particularly worried about. Looking back, I realise it was probably because I had no idea what to expect.

I remember everything like it was just last week (it was actually over six years ago). Whilst lining up and waiting for my name to be called so that I could join my form class, I looked around at everyone. We were all in the same boat. It just didn't feel that way. I knew about five girls that had actually gone to my primary school, though I was friends with none of them. (That's kind of a lie, I had been friends with one of them but we weren't exactly on speaking terms at this point, and another was the kind of psycho friend that I had no choice in knowing... but that's two other stories that I don't particularly want to tell).

My stomach was in knots. My mind raced when I heard my name being called and I went to line up with thirty other girls who I would be spending the next five years with. The rest of the day was spent getting to know each other, playing games and finding out our timetables. But I couldn't relax. The entire day my heart was beating like mad, and my throat felt like it was closing up.

That feeling hasn't ever gone away. Even right now, as I'm writing this, I feel an overwhelming urge to slam the backspace button and delete everything I've just wrote. But I can't do that to myself. I need to have this out there. Just so I can feel the tiniest bit of relief. Plus, maybe this can help someone else.

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