Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Things like this

Today was supposed to be my first lesson at college. I know it's my second year, so I should be used to all of this by now, but I'm really not. I'm so anxious, not just about being in the classroom, but also about travelling to college. Luckily, I'm going with a friend so my anxiety about being on a bus is going to be lessened, but that doesn't stop the sweat pumping from me every time I think about walking inside that classroom. I have no idea who my teacher will be, or who any of my classmates will be.

I've already chickened out. After writing a bit of this I emailed my tutor, asking him if it's possible to drop one of my subjects. Psychology. I was always interested in the mind, and still am, but when I'm sat in a classroom full of disinterested and moody teenagers (me being one of them) I feel rather uncomfortable. Hearing their opinions about mental health issues, such as someone with anxiety being a 'pussy' or 'stupid' for being scared about things. Or a person who is depressed is just someone choosing to be unhappy. I mean... who the heck would choose to be unhappy? I would never choose to live my life wanting to die, not enjoying anything anymore and feeling downright hopeless and pointless. It made me feel sick to my stomach.
Last year, we watched a video where a man was having a panic attack, and the majority of the class laughed. Thank God the room was dark because I was able to mask the rush of fear I had overcoming me. I covered my mouth and repeated numbers in my head as I copied the breathing exercises I'd been taught. Not even the person beside me seemed to notice the tears running down my face.
It made me feel so hopeless. If the people that are my age, who are going through the exact same things as I am, can't even understand or relate to my problems - problems that affect every single aspect of my life - then what hope do I have?

I don't want to sit here feeling sorry for myself. But sometimes, I can't help it. Why me? Why do I have to go through this feeling every day? I can't even open the door without feeling a lump rise in my throat.

I just don't want to carry on like this.

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